if only he knew

how much it hurts me to see him suffering. suffering in oh so many ways. he has had a tough life. most of caused by his own decisions. we are in control of our own lives once we become an adult. he had the ability to change his destiny, but instead he allowed his weakness for his addictions to set the way for his future.
"he" is my father.

Dad you called me this morning...you were highly intoxicated. You had been drinking through the night, into the morning. The first words out of your mouth were " Melissa I love you, I'm probably going to jail." I asked why and you told me that you beat a guy nearly to death this morning, in your apartment. My heart sank, my stomach knotted, I felt sad for you, I was angry with you, I was scared. Dad, why do you have so much rage? Dad, why do you insist on hurting others?

i just don't understand. i don't get it. you have had a severe drug and alcohol addiction for over 40 years. you have lost your children, your wives, your family, friends, jobs, cars, houses. you have spent a lot of time in jail, halfway houses, treatment centers, and you still continue these habits, just maybe a different drug.
you don't have a job, you live off of your ssi and va pension. you struggle day to day just to get out of bed. your eating pain medication by the handfuls, several times a day, you are so miserable, but you have chosen this for yourself.

i don't want to address an envelope with a prison address to you. why can't you just wake up tomorrow with a job, that does not include any illegal activities, and a vehicle, and a new love for life? why can't you give up any and all addictions? life would be amazing through a clean pair of eyes.

i have always loved you more then you realize. i care about you, i cherish you. you are lucky i'm still in your life. your other children couldn't handle your lifestyle. i still hang onto any little hope that you may change. that's the love of a daughter.

amazingly enough you weren't arrested for this altercation that took place in your home this morning. you are running low on luck. i'm running low on hope. i can't handle these types of calls anymore. i just wish you knew the pain you cause me. i wish you knew the amount of love this daughter has for her father. i wish you knew how to change.

Prayer of Salvation

Prayer of Salvation

Dear Lord Jesus,

You died for my sins and iniquities about 2000 years ago. You were pierced for my transgressions, crushed for my sins and the punishment that brought us peace was upon You. Therefore, I approach the Throne of Grace with confidence, so that I may receive Your grace and mercies whenever I am in times of need.

The Scripture says that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. My eyes are upon You this hour. Father God, please forgive and forget all the sins that I have committed against You. I offer my body as a living sacrifice to You Lord. Enable me, not to be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind.

Pour out Your Spirit upon me in an abounding measure and purge off the undesirable things in me, which are not pleasing to Your sight.

The Living Word says that if we confess with our mouth that Jesus Christ is the Lord and believe in our heart that God raised Him from the dead, then we will be saved. Accordingly, I rely totally on Your word Lord. Create in me a clean heart and restore to me, the joy of Your salvation.

Save and justify me by Your divine grace because it is by Your grace that we are saved through faith and not from ourselves, and it is a gift from You alone. Thank You Father for redeeming me with Your most precious blood which You shed for me on the cross of Calvary.

I thank You a million times Father, for transforming my life according to Your Word that "if anyone be in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come!" I thank You and praise You Lord.

Amen

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Life's Lessons

--Lesson 1 : Life isn't fair, but it's still good
-- Lesson 2 : When in doubt, just take the next right step
-- Lesson 3 : Life is too short to waste time hating anyone
-- Lesson 4 : Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does
-- Lesson 5 : Pay off your credit cards every month
-- Lesson 6 : You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree
-- Lesson 7 : Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone
-- Lesson 8 : It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it
-- Lesson 9 : The most important sex organ is the brain
-- Lesson 10 : God never gives us more than we were designed to carry
-- Lesson 11 : Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present
-- Lesson 12 : It's okay to let your children see you cry
-- Lesson 13 : Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about
-- Lesson 14 : If a relationship has to be kept secret, you shouldn't be in it
-- Lesson 15 : Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks
-- Lesson 16 : Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying
-- Lesson 17 : You can get through anything life hands you if you stay put in the day you are in and don't jump ahead
-- Lesson 18 : A writer is someone who writes. If you want to be a writer, write
-- Lesson 19 : It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
-- Lesson 20 : When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer
-- Lesson 21 : Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save anything for a special occasion. Today is special enough
-- Lesson 22 : Overprepare, then go with the flow
-- Lesson 23 : Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple
-- Lesson 24 : Start saving 10 percent for retirement as soon as you get your first paycheck
-- Lesson 25 : No one else is in charge of your happiness. You are the CEO of your joy
-- Lesson 26 : Frame every so-called disaster with these words : "In five years, will this matter?"
-- Lesson 27 : Always choose life
-- Lesson 28 : Forgive everyone everything
-- Lesson 29 : What other people think of you is none of your business
-- Lesson 30 : The passage of time heals almost everything. Give time time
-- Lesson 31 : No matter how good or how bad a situation is, it will change
-- Lesson 32 : Your job won't take care of you when you are sick, but your friends will. Stay in touch with them
-- Lesson 33 : Believe in miracles
-- Lesson 34 : God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do
-- Lesson 35 : Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger
-- Lesson 36 : Growing old beats the alternative. Dying young looks good only in movies
-- Lesson 37 : Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable
-- Lesson 38 : Read the Psalms. No matter what your faith, they cover every human emotion
-- Lesson 39 : Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting for you to discover
-- Lesson 40 : If we all threw our problems in a pile and got a look at everyone else's, we'd fight to get back our own
-- Lesson 41 : Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of now
-- Lesson 42 : Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful
-- Lesson 43 : All that truly matters in the end is that you loved
-- Lesson 44 : Envy is a waste of time. You already have everything you truly need
-- Lesson 45 : The best is yet to come
-- Lesson 46 : No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up for life
-- Lesson 47 : Breathe. It calms the mind
-- Lesson 48 : If you don't ask, you don't get
-- Lesson 49 : Yield
-- Lesson 50 : Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Officially Employed

I am so excited to announce that I am officially employed outside of HOME!  I recived the phone call this morning offering me a position at Xcel Energy as a Customer Service Associate.  I gladly and graciously accepted the position.  I will start on December 6th, as long as my Background check comes back clear.  I am not worried about that.  I actually do not have to worry about that anylonger.  I am proud to say I actually am able to say I have my GED!  I really really do this time.  And guess what....???  This is the first job that has asked for proof of my GED and I am actually going to be able to show them a legit, legal copy of my transcripts.  So many people wanted to see my fail and guess what...I did it!  I did it for me and I did it for my children.  I knew I could do it. 

Now don't get me wrong, I love staying at home with my children.  However, I am getting to the point where I need some time away.  They are 2 and almost 1.  I think they can manage with dad and daycare.  Besides i want some extra spending money for our family. 

  

Day 5 - A picture of somewhere I've been

Walt Disney World Florida

I have been there 2 times. Each time I had a blast and I was left with a bank full of memories!

The 1st time I went I was 13 or 14. Make A Wish Foundation sent my family (my grandmother, my dad, my brother and myself), because my little brother had Leukemia and his dying wish was to meet the Ninja Turtles. Well the only place that we could meet Donatelo, Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo and April was Disney MGM Studios. Make A Wish paid for our ENTIRE trip, round trip airfare, rental car, theme park tickets, Midevil Dinner Play, and even sent us away with spending cash! We stayed at a village that had condos. The fridge was stocked, the village had breakfast with the Disney Characters, and a train engine that was turned into an ice cream shop in the evenings. We went to Epcot, Sea World, MGM and Disney World. I will forever remember that trip.

My 2nd trip was in 2002. Disney had a special promotion for the United States Military, Police, and Fire Departments due to 9/11. If I remember correctly the service members had no entry fee at the Disney Parks and spouses were 1/2 off. My husband (now my ex) at the time was an active duty soldier in the Army. We decided on short notice to take a trip for the weekend and have some fun. His mom flew to Virginia to watch our then 1 year old son David for us and we took off. We used public transportation, ate continental breakfast, used the hotel shuttle, ate outside of the parks and laughed and played for 3 days.

Day 4 - A habit I wish I didn't have

That would be...biting the skin around my nails. It is a terrible habit because at times I chew the skin off to the point of making that area raw and it can be quite painful. Not to mention it doesn't leave your hands looking pretty.

Day 3 - A picture of me and my friends

This is the only picture I have available to me. This is one of my dearest friends. Her name is Brittany. We have known one another for 7 years. We met when we worked at Wal-Mart in 2003. We were both pregnant and our due dates were a day apart. We have been through a lot together. Unfortunately we now live in separate states and it seems like we rarely have time to even talk. I miss her dearly. I cannot wait until I see her again. We always have so much fun together and we balance the other out.

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Snow

I am lying here on the couch watching the snow fall. It's beautiful...a grey sky is the background to white, snow flakes. I had to laugh because, this time last year I had a cup sitting on my back steps in order to collect the fresh snow. I am sure you're asking what is she going to do with a cup of snow? Well I was 8 months pregnant at the time and I had a very ODD craving for SNOW! I was very careful to not eat the yellow snow.

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Happy Anniversary to Us

Today at 11:11 pm will mark 4 years of wedded bliss! We were so excited to be celebrating our day, but unfortunately our 2 children and ourselves are sick with colds. We have congested heads, runny noses, sneezing, body aches, sore throats, fever and chills. So we spent our special day lying on the couch, in our pj's, cooking homemade chicken noodle soup and drinking lots of ginger ale. Madalynn and I have been the most miserable today. I am hoping that this passes soon!

Regardless of our home being subjected to this illness we have managed to enjoy ones company.

So Happy Anniversary to US!

My Daughter

Isn't that smile contagious? I ADORE this little girl more then I ever knew I could. A bond between a mother and her daughter is an amazing love. A bond I always wished I had, had with my mom. My mom chose to not have a relationship with me, but I am okay with that now. It made me stronger and appreciate my daughter that much more. Anyhow...back to my amazingly beautiful daughter. Her eyes are as blue as the SEA. Her skin is as soft as silk. Her smell is intoxicating, her rolls are endless! I love her one "quirky" toe she has, I love how her fingers wrap around mine. When she is in a cuddly mood, she lays her head on me, or she will crawl up to me and rub her head on my leg. When she gets angry she throws herself forward and cries. She is already DRAMATIC and SENSITIVE! She loves FOOD like both her dad and I...she loves chocolate like ME...she sings in the car, babbles in her crib,
splashes in the tub like a whale diving into the ocean. She HATES having her diaper changed, having to get dressed, or having lotion rubbed on her. It drives her crazy when daddy rubs his stubble on her cheeks when he's smothering her with kisses. She is my daughter and I love every single inch of her. I love her when she is fussy, when she is sleepy, when she is sick and even when she has stinky diapers. She is beautiful. I cherish this girl! I am so in love with MY DAUGHTER.

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Home Sick

I miSs our life back there
I miss our jobs
I miSs our house
I miss our friends
I miSs our 2 boys there
I miss my dad
I miSs the scenery
I miss the weather
I just miss our life there. The old days...

I wish we were there....I can feel the sun reflecting off of my skin...I can smell the rain....I miss the sunsets...

I miss Arizona

Our 2 year old IS 'normal'

Yesterday Nolan had a doctors appointment with his Pediatrician due to behavioral issues. We were worried about his temper tantrums. We thought that they may have been a little EXCESSIVE...we were also concerned about his lack of sleep. The visit was very informative and I walked out of there with an entirely different perspective about Toddlers.

Our Pediatrician is wonderful. He spends quality time with his patients. He does not rush the visit, he is very playful, he doesn't make the parents feel like they are worthless or stupid and he is genuinely concerned about the children.

Yesterday we were scheduled for a 3:45 appointment and we walked out of there at 4:50. He answered every one of my questions and reassured me that Nolan IS just like EVERY other 2 year old out there.

I learned that we need to stop labeling him with saying he is "violent, aggressive and mean." We need to stop spanking him because it's hurting him in the long run. You cannot teach a child not to hit by hitting him. I also found out that my expectations for Nolan were too high. I expected him to understand sitting in time-out and standing in the corner with his nose on the wall. Instead of telling him that he isn't being nice or that he's being mean, we need to tell him that his behavior is not acceptable. When he hits, throws things or does anything that is not acceptable, we then need to pick him up, say in a very stern voice "we don't hit" and plop him down in the middle of the room on the floor and walk away. If he chases after us, simply ignore him. He also told me to be sure to continue with telling him positive things about him that he is doing and how happy he makes us. The
doctor told me that we need to move his bedroom back upstairs closer to us and when we put him to bed I need to stay in his room with him until he goes to sleep. If he gets up in the middle of the night then I need to bring him back to his bed and stay with him until he falls asleep again. He believes that within a few weeks Nolan will be back to sleeping a normal 10 hours a night with little interruption and I should notice a change with his tantrums. If nothing has changed then he wants to see us back in the office.

Last night we layed with him and he fell asleep. This morning I placed him in the middle of the room on the floor a few times and he hasn't been back since!

I pray that we start to notice a change soon. I just need to let him be a toddler and allow him to be himself!