if only he knew

how much it hurts me to see him suffering. suffering in oh so many ways. he has had a tough life. most of caused by his own decisions. we are in control of our own lives once we become an adult. he had the ability to change his destiny, but instead he allowed his weakness for his addictions to set the way for his future.
"he" is my father.

Dad you called me this morning...you were highly intoxicated. You had been drinking through the night, into the morning. The first words out of your mouth were " Melissa I love you, I'm probably going to jail." I asked why and you told me that you beat a guy nearly to death this morning, in your apartment. My heart sank, my stomach knotted, I felt sad for you, I was angry with you, I was scared. Dad, why do you have so much rage? Dad, why do you insist on hurting others?

i just don't understand. i don't get it. you have had a severe drug and alcohol addiction for over 40 years. you have lost your children, your wives, your family, friends, jobs, cars, houses. you have spent a lot of time in jail, halfway houses, treatment centers, and you still continue these habits, just maybe a different drug.
you don't have a job, you live off of your ssi and va pension. you struggle day to day just to get out of bed. your eating pain medication by the handfuls, several times a day, you are so miserable, but you have chosen this for yourself.

i don't want to address an envelope with a prison address to you. why can't you just wake up tomorrow with a job, that does not include any illegal activities, and a vehicle, and a new love for life? why can't you give up any and all addictions? life would be amazing through a clean pair of eyes.

i have always loved you more then you realize. i care about you, i cherish you. you are lucky i'm still in your life. your other children couldn't handle your lifestyle. i still hang onto any little hope that you may change. that's the love of a daughter.

amazingly enough you weren't arrested for this altercation that took place in your home this morning. you are running low on luck. i'm running low on hope. i can't handle these types of calls anymore. i just wish you knew the pain you cause me. i wish you knew the amount of love this daughter has for her father. i wish you knew how to change.