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Happy 1st Birthday Madalynn

1 year ago today at 7:56 am my ultimate dream came true! The cute 7 pound 11 ounce, 20 1/2 inch beauty was delivered. 10 fingers, 10 toes...she was PERFECT!
Where on earth did the time go? I was laying in bed the other night, after I had gotten home from work and put the World News on. I remember watching that same news program during those late night/early morning feedings when she was just a wee little thing. It seems like just yesterday. I miss her being so tiny, but I am truly enjoying her getting older and mobile. She is such a cutie patootie. Her personality is contagious, she literally melts me when she smiles. I love having her as my daughter. I sm so so thankful and blessed that you chose me to be her mom. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her.
Happy Birthday Stinky!
Mama and Daddy love you forever and always.

noon has a whole new meaning

I decided to treat myself to a full night of uninterrupted, well deserved sleep. I left the kids at the sitters tonight, instead of going to pick them up or just staying the night over at the sitters house. I made it home at 1:20 am after driving an hour and forty minutes in snow and freezing rain. It normally takes about 45 minutes to an hour in good weather...
The husband is at work until 8am, then he is going ice fishing with a friend. So that means I do not have to be up and out of this bed until....oh lets say noon! And that's even giving me some extra time to play with. Wow...i don't remember when the last time was that I actually got to stay in bed until NOON!!
As I got into bed though...(yes I am blogging from bed, in the dark) I felt lonely for my babies :(
I actually miss them! But at 6am when Nolan is demanding that cup of chocolate milk....it won't be me having to get up this time :) sorry Marilyn! Marilyn is our nanny/daycare provider who works out of her home. We love her to pieces and consider her to be family. Anyhow....i didn't miss my kids for long after I reminded myself of the 6am chocolate milk run, the 4 diaper changes, 2 of which are poopy all in a 1 hour span between 7am and 8am and then the making or preparing of breakfast, getting up to change Nolans channel every 20 minutes, or trying to protect Madalynn from the holy terror himself. Just thinking about all of that makes me enjoy the quiet...the me time...the sleeping till noon...goodnight, sweet dreams.

life has been busy

Wow, it's been a while since i've blogged-life has been busy...im a working wife and mother now! I haven't even been able to read any blogs that I follow. I feel out of the loop. I guess I would call this the "adjusting" phase. Some of us are adjusting better then others. Michael was introduced to solo parenting he had a few rough days, but believe it or not the house is still standing and the kids are alive. I was introduced to driving in blizzard conditions. I managed to make my way home safe and sound...maybe because I didn't drive like all of the other idiots who find their way in a ditch.
Training was a bit overwhelming and boring. I felt like I was being taught a second language. A lot of times our instructor sounded like the Teacher from the cartoon Charlie Brown. I remember when I went through training at UOP (University of Phoenix) I felt like I was never going to get it. They said it takes 6 months to start to get it. I would think to myself that seems a little long. Boy was I wrong! And now I'm sitting in this training class and they said the same exact thing...it will take 6 months for us to feel like we're going to start to GET IT! I have 6 weeks left of training, so in 6 months I will update you on whether or not I'm getting it.
The kids are STILL sick. They got sick the first week of November...thanks to an inconsiderate mother who brought her daughter to our house who had a high fever, sneezing and vomitting. Well it definitely made it's rounds between the 4 of us and for some odd reason it seems like it maybe going away and then bam the symptoms are full force again. Michael ended up getting Strep out of it and I was the lucky one out of all of us who didn't seem to get as bad. I just wish this icky cold would go away...the only good that has come out of them being sick is their extraordinarily CUDDLY! At the moment Madalynn is sleeping in my arms. It's been too long since she's done this. I love cuddling.

if only he knew

how much it hurts me to see him suffering. suffering in oh so many ways. he has had a tough life. most of caused by his own decisions. we are in control of our own lives once we become an adult. he had the ability to change his destiny, but instead he allowed his weakness for his addictions to set the way for his future.
"he" is my father.

Dad you called me this morning...you were highly intoxicated. You had been drinking through the night, into the morning. The first words out of your mouth were " Melissa I love you, I'm probably going to jail." I asked why and you told me that you beat a guy nearly to death this morning, in your apartment. My heart sank, my stomach knotted, I felt sad for you, I was angry with you, I was scared. Dad, why do you have so much rage? Dad, why do you insist on hurting others?

i just don't understand. i don't get it. you have had a severe drug and alcohol addiction for over 40 years. you have lost your children, your wives, your family, friends, jobs, cars, houses. you have spent a lot of time in jail, halfway houses, treatment centers, and you still continue these habits, just maybe a different drug.
you don't have a job, you live off of your ssi and va pension. you struggle day to day just to get out of bed. your eating pain medication by the handfuls, several times a day, you are so miserable, but you have chosen this for yourself.

i don't want to address an envelope with a prison address to you. why can't you just wake up tomorrow with a job, that does not include any illegal activities, and a vehicle, and a new love for life? why can't you give up any and all addictions? life would be amazing through a clean pair of eyes.

i have always loved you more then you realize. i care about you, i cherish you. you are lucky i'm still in your life. your other children couldn't handle your lifestyle. i still hang onto any little hope that you may change. that's the love of a daughter.

amazingly enough you weren't arrested for this altercation that took place in your home this morning. you are running low on luck. i'm running low on hope. i can't handle these types of calls anymore. i just wish you knew the pain you cause me. i wish you knew the amount of love this daughter has for her father. i wish you knew how to change.